 How to Control Your Emotional State
We all know what it's like to be confronted by people who are angry. The angrier they get, the harder it is for you to keep your cool. They're certainly not communicating respectfully in that state of mind – they’ve lost it! And it’s completely up to you whether you lose it too. So what do you do?
When you find yourself in a situation like this, you have to be able to control your own emotional state first, if you want to have any hope of influencing theirs.
Like they say in the safety announcements we hear every time we take a flight: "In the event oxygen masks fall from the overhead compartment, fit your own mask first, before you help others".
Same principle applies here. Take care of yourself first, so you’ll be in a position to help others – if you choose.
Strategies to control your emotional state
- Breathe
Breathe deep into your belly. Slow, deep breathing will help to slow you down. It will help to keep you in your “rational/logical” brain and out of your “emotional” and “fight or flight” parts of your brain.
If you feel defensive, belittled, rejected etc – these are indicators you’re hooked by your emotions. You’re likely to take things personally, and respond emotionally in ways that are destructive rather than constructive. So breathe deep, and ...
- Be confident
People are more likely to attack others when they think they can get away with it.
- The more threatened you appear the more they’ll harrass you.
- The more confident you appear the less likely they’ll harrass you.
Display confidence with your body – with posture that reflects calm confidence. Stand/sit tall, back straight, head high – don’t go overboard or you’ll end up looking arrogant, or worse, aggressive. Cockiness and smirking are also out – unless you’re looking for trouble.
Display confidence with your voice – by speaking slowly and in low tones (rather than quickly, and in high, squeaky tones) – the deep breathing into your belly helps to slow and lower your voice.
- Mind your Attitude
Your attitude will be reflected in your body language, your voice and your words. Unhelpful attitudes include defensive, victim and attack positions:
"I did not" "It wasn't me" "What now?" "Who do you think you are!?"
An attitude of objectivity and curiosity is both constructive and empowering: “What’s happening here?” and "Let's sort this out"
- Think
Unconscious, emotional, knee-jerk reactions usually escalate the situation. If you get yourself to “think” it helps to keep you out of your emotions and in your rational brain where you can consider the various choices you have as to how to respond to the situation.
To get yourself thinking constructively, ask yourself a forward-focus question, such as: “What outcome do I want here?”
Your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to focus on your outcome, and choose responses you think are most appropriate to achieving your outcome.
- Take your time
It’s easy to feel pressured in these situations. Ease the pressure by reminding yourself to “take your time”. Take all the time you need to make wise choices about how you respond. If the other person pushes you, you could simply say: “I’m thinking” or “I need to think about it”. You might even say “I need to think about it. I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
oooo
These few simple strategies will help you keep control of your emotions, your responses, and the situation. They might not seem like much, but you’ll be surprised how much difference they’ll make. Instead of the exchange becoming more and more destructive, you have it in your power to turn it around to being constructive. Good for your health. Good for your relationships. Good for you!
Ask yourself:
- Where can I use these skills in my professional life?
- Where can I use these skills in my personal life?
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